James Cameron, Avatar of Cthulhu?

I don't want to hate Avatar. It's supposedly a feel good movie with spectacular graphics that's revitalizing the entertainment industry and changing the way we look at the world. I'm sure you've heard the pro-Avatar propaganda by now. Something about cat people and Pandora and how the military is evil. Don't buy into it. What James Cameron, minion of the Dread Cthulhu, has done is create a message of woe and despair into a pretty 3D package that reeks of a certain squid god who wants to feast on the world for supper.

So how can we tell that Avatar is a pro-Cthulhu movie? First of all, there's the underlying theme of Avatar. For those of you that haven't seen the movie, the message is this: USA sucks because it's destroying the world and one day it's going to get its comeuppance via a discorporeal entity that controls its minions via precise military maneuvers. Does that sound like anyone we know? Maybe someone who looks like a squid, acts like a squid, and is pure unadulterated evil?

Then there's the Na'vi, the giant cat people that populate this movie. I can ignore that they are blue, look like cats, and have Darth Maul tattoos. What I cannot ignore is that they have squid-like genitalia in their ponytails that they use to "hook up" with various animals and the planet itself. Yes, when these Na'vi want to access the "world wide web" that they're all connected to, they simply pull out their junk and stick it in whatever squidy thing they can get their hands on. Is it a weird idea? Yes. Is it even weirder when you consider that these Na'vi spend half the movie running around on horses and pterodactyls? Yes. Does this strike me as a little disgusting and sounds a little like bestiality? Yes. Does Al Gore want to speak to James Cameron about you stealing the world wide web idea from him? Yes. By the way, you know what else has squid-like genitalia? Cthulhu.

All kidding aside, the truly disgusting thing about this movie is the reaction that thousands of people are having to this movie. According to CNN, thousands of people are becoming depressed and entertain suicidal thoughts after seeing the movie because they can't live in the fictional planet shown in the movie. (Don't believe me, here's the link!) This is sadly not a joke. People have actually become disillusioned with our world not because of our travesty of a government or our sham of a health care system, but instead because our world isn't as pretty as the one found on James Cameron's computer. What does it say about the state of society when people actually want to kill themselves over a lame Fern Gully ripoff? I can only hope that these people aren't around when an actual good movie comes out in 3D or else we might be faced with a mass suicide a la Haley-Bopp cult. Obviously, James Cameron has somehow used his IMAX 3D technology to screw around with these people's brains, probably in the hope of offering them up as an easy meal to his dark lord.

So to sum up: James Cameron=weird dude. Avatar=pro-Cthulhu film. People=stupid. Cthulhu=one day closer to eating us all.