Corporate States of America? No, Cthulhu State of America

In the last 24 hours, I’ve heard a disturbing amount of comments about the C.S.A. No, I’m not talking about the Confederate States of America, which has been shockingly out of the headlines for months now. I’m talking about the Corporate States of America, the latest catchphrase of liberals responding to the Supreme Court’s recent ruling that corporations cannot be banned from making political contributions to political campaigns and filling the airwaves during elections with stupid commercials claiming that Politician So and So was caught cavorting with the devil.

To be honest, I disagree with the Supreme Court’s decision. All it does is legalize something that’s been going on for decades and remove an obstacle from the dread Cthulhu’s plans for world domination. But that is besides the point. What I have a problem is this Corporate States of America nonsense. This Supreme Court decision doesn’t change a damn thing about our nation. Government has always been swayed by special interests. It is how government has worked since the time of the Romans. This is a fact of life. As long as humans run governments, there will be other humans (or Squid Gods) trying to corrupt them and get their own agendas passed.

My issue with this “Corporate States of America” is that it’s just another stupid catchphrase that distracts from the real problem. I’ve seen over two dozen different instances of “Corporate States of America” through facebook, twitter, and a long rant of a coworker, and yet no one will actually elaborate on what the possible consequences are for our nation. Why not? Probably because they don’t have the slightest clue what the actual consequences are. Instead, all we get are the words “Republican”, “corporation”, “evil” and “money” inserted into a generic sentence with tones of outrage and disgust. Because, you know, all evil corporations are conservative. In fact, if you voted Democrat in the last forty years, you can’t even register your business as an evil corporation, which means you don’t qualify for all the tax breaks that only evil corporations get.

So what are the actual consequences? Is it that bad people are now going to influence our government to make bad decisions? We know that’s not it, because we all put up with Dick Cheney running around in a position of power for eight years. This is a man who SHOT A MAN IN THE FACE. That is the very definition of a bad person. Is it that corporations now have the ability to control our government? Nope, because they’ve been doing that for decades. And the unions were doing it for decades before that. So what’s the real consequence? It’s that a giant freakin’ squid god now can now legally fill the airways with his evil message and back the candidate that he thinks is the weakest so that his takeover of the United States will go that more smoothly. Once again, Cthulhu has won a major victory and all the liberals want to do is beat a dead horse named Fake Ideals.

Just remember, CSA doesn’t stand for Corporate States of America. It stands for Cthulhu State of America.

James Cameron, Avatar of Cthulhu?

I don't want to hate Avatar. It's supposedly a feel good movie with spectacular graphics that's revitalizing the entertainment industry and changing the way we look at the world. I'm sure you've heard the pro-Avatar propaganda by now. Something about cat people and Pandora and how the military is evil. Don't buy into it. What James Cameron, minion of the Dread Cthulhu, has done is create a message of woe and despair into a pretty 3D package that reeks of a certain squid god who wants to feast on the world for supper.

So how can we tell that Avatar is a pro-Cthulhu movie? First of all, there's the underlying theme of Avatar. For those of you that haven't seen the movie, the message is this: USA sucks because it's destroying the world and one day it's going to get its comeuppance via a discorporeal entity that controls its minions via precise military maneuvers. Does that sound like anyone we know? Maybe someone who looks like a squid, acts like a squid, and is pure unadulterated evil?

Then there's the Na'vi, the giant cat people that populate this movie. I can ignore that they are blue, look like cats, and have Darth Maul tattoos. What I cannot ignore is that they have squid-like genitalia in their ponytails that they use to "hook up" with various animals and the planet itself. Yes, when these Na'vi want to access the "world wide web" that they're all connected to, they simply pull out their junk and stick it in whatever squidy thing they can get their hands on. Is it a weird idea? Yes. Is it even weirder when you consider that these Na'vi spend half the movie running around on horses and pterodactyls? Yes. Does this strike me as a little disgusting and sounds a little like bestiality? Yes. Does Al Gore want to speak to James Cameron about you stealing the world wide web idea from him? Yes. By the way, you know what else has squid-like genitalia? Cthulhu.

All kidding aside, the truly disgusting thing about this movie is the reaction that thousands of people are having to this movie. According to CNN, thousands of people are becoming depressed and entertain suicidal thoughts after seeing the movie because they can't live in the fictional planet shown in the movie. (Don't believe me, here's the link!) This is sadly not a joke. People have actually become disillusioned with our world not because of our travesty of a government or our sham of a health care system, but instead because our world isn't as pretty as the one found on James Cameron's computer. What does it say about the state of society when people actually want to kill themselves over a lame Fern Gully ripoff? I can only hope that these people aren't around when an actual good movie comes out in 3D or else we might be faced with a mass suicide a la Haley-Bopp cult. Obviously, James Cameron has somehow used his IMAX 3D technology to screw around with these people's brains, probably in the hope of offering them up as an easy meal to his dark lord.

So to sum up: James Cameron=weird dude. Avatar=pro-Cthulhu film. People=stupid. Cthulhu=one day closer to eating us all.

Introduction

Cthulhu is coming. The signs are all around us.
Who is Cthulhu? Only the baddest mother of a dark squid god to ever lurk in the depths of the universe.
Why is he coming? To conquer this world and sap our collective psychic energies for his own nefarious purposes.
How do we know he's coming? Because his agents of darkness are all around us. They carry names such as Spencer Pratt, Tiger Woods, Sarah Palin and Avatar. They seek to subvert our society with their idiocy and ineptness and misdirect us from their dark squid lord's impending arrival.
Luckily, this blog exists to serve as a beacon of light against Cthulhu and his minions. Knowledge is our best weapon against the Squid Lord, so we strive to educate and arm you for the coming conflict. So read on and prepare yourself for the coming of Cthulhu!